As my three children grow up, the phases that seemed never ending like the newborn phase or surviving on 3 hours of sleep cycles while pretending to function like a human being, trail behind in difficulty compared to challenges that arrived later on. One might think that the public meltdowns or the first ski lessons with layers upon layers of clothes that needed to come on and off and on again, or experimenting with new vocabulary with distant relatives are the biggest anticlimax of parenting. Those things are hard, yes. But they're survivable and as years go by either nobody will remember them or they're become a funny story.
The part nobody warned me about was the decisions. Not the what's-for-dinner kind. The ones where there's no obvious answer, where you'll be second-guessed no matter what you choose, and where you go to bed genuinely unsure whether you did the right thing. I'm not a parenting expert, I'm a mum of three who has made plenty of calls she later questioned, read everything she could get her hands on, and leaned heavily on other mothers who seemed to be figuring it out marginally better than she was on any given week.
Everything in this piece comes from one of two places: something I've lived through myself, or something I found in the research of people far more qualified than me. So if you've ever second-guessed a call, been judged by a stranger at a school gate, cried in a car park because you had to do something your child hated and hated yourself a little for doing it, this might hit a chord.
What "Tough Love" Actually Means To Me (And What It Doesn't)
Real tough love is staying calm when your 9-year-old is screaming that you're the worst parent ever because you won't let him quit football the week before the championship, the same championship he begged you to sign him up for in August. It's knowing, in the marrow of your bones, that the lesson here isn't football. It's the follow-through. It's that you don't abandon your team when things get hard.
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Real tough love is watching your daughter walk into school crying because she left her homework on the kitchen table, and not driving back to drop it off. Not because you don't care, but because you care so much about who she's going to be at 25 that you're willing to be the villain at 8.
The Difference Between Tough Love and Hard-Heartedness
Tough love is deliberate. It asks: What does this child need to learn, even if they don't want to learn it today?
Hard-heartedness is reactive. It says: This is inconvenient for me, so I'm not engaging.
Every parent reading this already knows the difference in their gut. The fact that you're worried about whether you're doing it right is exactly what separates the two.
The Decisions Nobody Warns You About
The School That's Right, Not the One They Want
When a child begs to stay at a school because their friends are there, and you know that the environment is not serving them, the decision to move them is one of the loneliest you'll make as a parent.
One mother described pulling her son from a school where he'd been socially comfortable but academically invisible for two years. "He hated me for a semester," she said. "He said I'd ruined his life. By January, he had new friends, a teacher who actually challenged him, and he came home one Friday and said, Mum, I think this school is better for me, unsolicited. I didn't say I told you so. I just went and cried in the bathroom."
Tough decisions for kids are rarely comfortable in the short term. They're investments with delayed returns.
The Sport, the Instrument, the Activity They Want to Quit
Here's the scenario: your child signs up for swimming. You rearrange three schedules, pay the registration fee, buy the gear. Six weeks in, they want to quit because it's "boring" or because their best friend dropped out or because, and this is the classic, they "just don't feel like it."
Do you let them quit?
The answer isn't always no. Context matters enormously. A child in genuine distress, a child being bullied, a child experiencing anxiety, these are different conversations and in that case tough love will not bring the desired approach in the long term. But a child who simply encountered difficulty and wants the exit door? That's a teaching moment dressed up as a scheduling inconvenience.
Many parents are afraid to say "finish the season, and then we'll talk." They worry about forcing a child into suffering. But there's a difference between forcing joy and teaching commitment. One is cruel. The other is parenting.
The Screen Time Standoff
There's a particular kind of judgment reserved for parents who enforce screen time limits in 2025. You'll find it in the eyes of other parents at parties when your child says they're "not allowed" certain games. You'll feel it when your teenager announces, with theatrical disgust, that they are the only one in their entire school year who doesn't have a particular app.
You are not the only one. You're just one of the few doing it loudly enough that your child notices.
The research on adolescent screen time and its relationship to anxiety, sleep disruption, and attention span continues to build. You don't need to be a neurologist to see it in your own home. Enforcing limits, firmly, consistently, without negotiation at 10pm, is one of the less glamorous but more important things a parent can do.
The Role of Fathers and When Parents Don't Agree
Tough decisions are exponentially harder when two parents aren't aligned, and much lonelier when there's only one parent in the room.
When parents disagree about discipline, the child discovers it within about 48 hours. Kids are brilliant at triangulation, at knowing exactly which parent will fold, and working accordingly. A child who hears "no" from mum and immediately tries dad isn't being manipulative, they're being smart. But the pattern, left unchecked, erodes consistency, which is one of the things children need most.
Fathers who are present, engaged, and willing to hold the line matter more than they sometimes realise, not because mothers can't do it alone (we absolutely can), but because shared authority distributes the emotional weight of the hard calls.
And for the single mothers doing all of this without that back-up, without anyone to share the guilt at 2 am, the fact that you are carrying every hard decision alone and still showing up is not small. It is enormous.
Mother's Day and the Myth of the Perfect Parent
The real image of motherhood, of parenthood, is messy. It's the mother who sits outside her child's room after a screaming argument, heart hammering, wondering if she handled it right. It's the father pacing the kitchen at midnight because his teenager came home late and he doesn't know whether to be furious or relieved. It's the parent who, for the forty-seventh night in a row, reads the same bedtime book because their child finds it comforting, even though the parent could recite it backwards by now.
Parenting is an act of sustained, imperfect love. Personally, it is also finding the willingness to make the hard call when the easy one would have been so much simpler.
Why "Good Enough" Parenting Is Actually Good Enough
Developmental psychologist D.W. Winnicott introduced the concept of the "good enough mother" decades ago, and it remains one of the most freeing ideas in parenting: children don't need perfect parents. They need parents who are present often enough, responsive enough, and consistent enough that the child builds resilience from the small gaps rather than breaking from them.
Perfection, ironically, is the enemy of resilience. A child who never experiences frustration, disappointment, or the natural consequences of their choices is not a child being protected. They're a child being robbed of the very experiences that build grit.
And Here's a 'Tough Love Quiz'
Q: Is it okay to feel like I'm failing as a parent?
Yes. Not only is it okay, it's often a sign that you're paying attention.
Q: How do I make tough parenting decisions without feeling guilty?
You probably won't, but that’s ok. What helps is being clear on why you're making the call. If the answer is "because this is what's best for my child in the long run, even though it's painful right now," that's a reason you can stand behind.
Q: What do I do when my child says they hate me after I enforce a boundary?
Say "I understand you're angry. I love you anyway." Then hold the boundary. Children who feel safe enough to say "I hate you" to a parent usually feel deeply secure, they know the relationship can withstand the emotion. The boundary stays. The love stays. Both are valid.
Q: How do I co-parent tough decisions with a partner who undermines me?
This is one of the hardest dynamics in parenting. Start by finding alignment before the conversation with your child, not during it. If your partner consistently disagrees with boundaries in front of the child, that's a conversation to have privately, framed not as "you're wrong" but as "our child is learning to play us against each other, and I don't think either of us wants that." Most parents, when they hear it this way, agree.
Q: Can tough love damage the parent-child relationship?
Tough love, applied with empathy and consistency, almost never damages the relationship. Harsh, unpredictable discipline can. The distinction is connection. Does the child feel, even in the middle of the difficult moment, that the parent is for them? That's the variable that matters most.
This Mother's Day, whether you're surrounded by chaos and crayon drawings or sitting quietly with a cup of tea that's actually still warm (or wine), know that the hard calls you made, the ones that stretched your emotional bandwidth, the ones that drew judgment from others who only saw the surface, they were acts of love. Deep, unglamorous, ungrateful-in-the-moment love.
And it is paying off. Even when you can't see it yet.
Share this with a parent who needs to hear it today, because sometimes the best Mother's Day gift is knowing you're not alone.
Looking for quality activities that support your child's growth and independence? Explore Momizen, built by a mum who knows that what kids do outside the classroom shapes who they become.
Maria Karachaliou
Maria, founder of Momizen and mom of three, is all about making life easier (and more fun) for parents. She’s on a mission to help families discover the coolest after-school activities, while connecting them with local gems. Parenting hacks, local spots, and tons of fun—find it all on Momizen!
