8 Effective Tips for Raising Teens
A personal testimony from Melinda Taylor Schoutens, mom of teens and co-author of Fresh Air Kids
“Spending time with kids is more important than spending money on kids.” - Unknown
We now have a teenager in the house and a preschooler. It still takes me a while to write these words without getting emotional. Everyone said my kids would grow fast, that their baby years would go by in the blink of an eye, but when you're knee-deep in breastfeeding, changing diapers, worrying, and learning, while you can appreciate the importance of those words, you just can't look past the sleepless nights. Even though I was there for every cold, every tooth, and every milestone, my kids' baby years flew by. I still miss holding their chubby baby bodies in my arms as their warm bodies effortlessly melt into mine. I long to kiss the cheeks into which I have sunk, plump with milk and smiles.
Tips from Older Parents
Today we are in the midst of raising teenagers. I am filled with gratitude and awe for the people our children are becoming, but as we live through these years together, I find myself worrying about them in ways I never have before.
I have realized that as parents, we must learn to adapt to this new era of parenting and also rely on our own resources, just as they are learning and need their own tools.
One resource I rely on heavily is advice from friends who have already experienced this age group.
There is nothing better than turning to a mom who has been through it all! A good friend of mine is in her 70s and is such a phenomenal resource that every time we meet, I have to lean closer to her and get really quiet when I ask her for advice. As a long-time educator, author, and experienced mom, she is a treasure trove of valuable information. I encourage all families to seek advice from either their own parents or someone who has already navigated the teenage years and successfully completed them. When I talk to these mothers, I also find comfort in the fact that all families struggle to navigate the big and small problems that come with the teenage years. Families are never alone in their problems, which is very reassuring.
Family Dinners
Another aspect of raising teenagers is realizing that family meals have always been part of the routine, but they are essential at this age. That's why, as a family, we make it a point to gather around the table almost every night. During this precious time as the day draws to a close, we have the opportunity to talk about the day's events, what we're thinking, and even what we're thankful for.
Mealtime has become a sacred ritual that allows us to get a sense of how our children are doing. We do what we can to protect this time, now more than ever.
Be Available
I recently listened to a podcast and took the following information to heart. A mother of two teenage boys and former college professor mentioned that it is important for us to simply be there for our children, without distractions.
Her main strategy was to sit in a central location and just be there. She didn't scroll through her phone, flip through a magazine, or read a book, she just sat there. That way, she was physically and emotionally available to her sons when they needed her.
She said her children would often sit next to her and start a conversation. I try to do the same with our kids, but my favorite place to do it is on hiking trails. When we go hiking as a family, my husband and I let our kids dance, moving forward with one and falling back with the other. Time and time again, our kids dive into very deep conversations and meaningful discussions. We have always prioritized time outdoors for many reasons, but now more than ever, we seek out nature.
Find Resources
After speaking with a therapist friend about teenagers and my need to understand a little more about what goes on in their heads, she recommended a very valuable book.
Blame my Brain - The Amazing Teenage Brain Revealed by Nicola Morgan is written for teenagers, but as a parent of a teenager, I found myself flipping through the pages.
Easy to read and simply explained, this book is something I really enjoyed. The book is divided into six chapters, with each chapter covering the most common issues teenagers face. From a detailed explanation of the brain and its complex functions to emotions, sleep, the need to take risks, the difference between boys and girls, depression and addiction, this book provides a comprehensive overview of the trials and tribulations teenagers experience.
Alone Time
As parents, we have also found that the time we spend alone with each child, even if it is brief, is a real bonding opportunity. When we take the time to travel, grab a meal, or walk around town, that time means the child who is alone gets our undivided attention.
In these magical but rare moments, our children flourish in ways they might not otherwise have in the presence of their sibling. We now work very hard to find time to spend alone with each of our children.
Respect Their Independence
As parents of teenagers, we observe the independence our children crave. Whether it's a sign on the door that clearly states "knock before entering," their desire to meet friends outside the home, or staying up late and late. Teenagers are destined to push boundaries and create lives of their own, free from us. As I struggle with this newfound sovereignty, I realize that this need for independence is just one part of a crucial process.
As parents, one of our main goals is to raise our children to live happy, healthy, productive lives, independent of us. We want them to be able to move freely in the world and assert themselves independently of us.
Whenever I struggle with my child demanding their freedom, I remind myself that this is part of their growing up and it is their life, after all. It is important to convey to a child that we are always there to love, support and listen to him, but he is free to live his life, with limits of course.
Health
During the teenage years, our children's sleeping and eating habits are completely out of whack. Discuss with your children the importance of good sleep.
Talk about sleep hygiene and what it means to wind down at night. Reading is a great way to wind down before bed and encourage good sleep habits.
Continue reading to your child when they are receptive. Not only is it educational, but it's also a great way to build a relationship with your teen. My children still crawl into our bed at night with their favorite book and we read together. This time is absolutely sacred to me because I know this tradition is fleeting.
Talk to your child about the importance of nutrition as they grow and their bodies develop. Even if you don't like the choices they make outside the home, focus on providing them with whole foods at home.
Encourage your children to help prepare meals and understand the importance of a balanced diet.
When we eat well, we feel better - it's that simple!
Communication
Open lines of communication are key when it comes to establishing trust, clear expectations, and open dialogue.
As children grow older, they should feel that home is a safe haven. A place free from pressure and outside expectations.
In this safe zone, children should feel comfortable coming to their parents to discuss worries and fears and ask questions without being judged. As parents, it is also important to be open and free about our expectations and rules for our children.
Raising teenagers can feel overwhelming and chaotic, often leaving us in a state of uncertainty or turmoil. Perhaps this is part of a necessary process. A process that involves creating and nurturing adolescents who will one day walk through life as adults independent of us.
Ultimately, our goal should be to love our children wholeheartedly, give them clear guidelines and boundaries, and get out of their way so they can make their own mark on this remarkable world.
About the Author
Melinda Taylor Schoutens is a mother, wife, educator, and writer. Born and raised in the United States, she moved to Switzerland with her husband in 2007. Her initial two-year contract quickly turned into 14 years. She learned to be flexible and open to new opportunities, and learned a lot along the way. Now a mother of two, she feels at home in Basel.
Melinda has a Master's degree in Curriculum and Instruction and has taught adults and children on a range of subjects. She has been designing curriculum for years and has curated and presented a lecture called "The Education of Nature." She is the author of the Fresh Air Kids Switzerland book series, which you can order here.
