Why do children lie?
Children lie sometimes, some more often than others and for a variety of reasons. But what should a parent do when a child lies?
Lying is not a behaviour that deserves reward, the first lie our child tells however deserves a little celebration as it marks a very important milestone in their development. Around 2 to 3 years of life, every child realizes that his or her self, his or her mind, knowledge and thoughts are his or her own, personal and different from those of other people. So he easily comes to the conclusion that he can "fool" mom by telling her something that is not true.
The academic developmental psychologist A. Demetriou argues that the first lie your child tells you is an event that should make you very happy since it proves that your offspring has mastered the "theory of mind", the ability to separate their own cognition from that of others.
Basic life skills can emerge with the appearance of lying, such as
- decision-making skills,
- moral understanding and
- interpersonal skills.
So understanding that lying is a normal part of a child's development helps us to redefine the way we see it.
However, while lying is a typical behaviour, there are some strategies you can use to minimise it and encourage honesty.
If our child lies to us it frustrates us and potentially makes us angry. But if we want to help our child to stop lying we need to look for the reason behind their need to lie to us.
What are the 3 causes that lead children to lie
Avoiding Consequences or Punishment
Our children may lie to us to escape punishment or scolding for something they did. If there is no gain from telling the truth and the consequences are severe, children may learn to lie to avoid facing consequences.
Limits of curiosity and testing
Lying can express our children's need to test different ideas and boundaries. For example, they may think "what if I lie?" or "what if I say this when it's not true?" They may also lie to try to refute ideas or situations that they don't like the way they would like them to be.
Boosting self-esteem and acceptance
A lack of self-esteem can lead children to lie in an attempt to find ways to feel better about themselves and impress those around them.
At what age do children lie the most
Recent research has found that most children learn to lie effectively between the ages of 2 and 4.
The first successful lie can be described as a developmental achievement because it marks the child's discovery that their mind and thinking are separate from their parents.
How do you deal with a child who lies?
Have discussions about lying and truth with your children.
Talk to them and read stories about the value of truth and the trouble lies get them into. "The Lying Shepherd" is a favorite classic tale that you can read together.
Help your child avoid situations where they feel the need to lie.
If your child is lying, he or she may be afraid to tell you the truth. Try to use your behavior to get him or her to trust you even when he or she has done something wrong. Don't get too angry with him or her and don't overdo the punishments. Remind him that you love him and will always love him no matter what he tells you and no matter what he has done.
Praise your child for admitting his mistake
Of course, if your child admits a mistake or a harm he or she has done, praise him or her for having the courage to tell you the truth and lessen the burden of the consequences a little so that he or she can actually understand the value of truth.
It becomes a model for telling the truth.
Our children watch us all the time and learn more from us when we don't talk to them than when we try to teach them lessons. Don't lie either. If your child sees that you are telling the truth even in difficult times they will try to imitate you.
Use a joke to encourage your child to accept a lie.
If you want to help your child to admit something that makes it difficult, lighten the mood with a joke. This way you will show him that not everything is as tragic as he may have imagined.
Remember
When we want to help our children change a behaviour the best way is to put ourselves in their shoes, remember how we felt as children and try to understand them instead of wagging a finger at them.
