"I don't want to go to school today!"
5 Ways to Deal with Resistance and Separation Anxiety
The holidays are over and schools are back in session, so all parents wake up in the morning to hear the voices, resistance and emotional roller coaster of our beloved mini-people. The image of children being forcibly taken away by their parents, trying in a thousand ways to cope with the crying, screaming and stubbornness is familiar to all of us. But why does this happen?
The origin of separation anxiety
To understand this behavior, we need to take a look at our child and examine the concept of "bonding". The critical period is between the sixth and ninth months of life, when there is a selective preference for the mother and familiar people, whose presence causes the infant the greatest joy. This is when the first two forms of anxiety in life are born:
- separation anxiety and
- stranger anxiety.
Therefore, the mixture of these first positive and negative emotions signals the infant's bond with the mother or caregiver.
While this type of behavior can occur in younger children, older children and adolescents can experience separation anxiety when they first go to school, after a vacation, or when there is a change in the child's life, such as a new home, a new sibling, a divorce, etc.
It is also very common when a sibling is sick and stays home for the other child to refuse to go to school as well.
So what do we do when our child wakes up and says, "I'm not going to school today!" Well, according to psychologists, we don't do anything at that moment.
Resistance is part of how our child deals with unpleasant situations like separation. Our role is to let them have these big emotions and learn how to process them. To do that, we need to let them feel what they're feeling, while also making them feel heard and validated.
A good way to react in that moment is to try to stay calm, take a deep breath, and say something like, "I know that going to school is hard some days. I remember having days like that when I was your age, and I still do. But I'm going to help you get through this, and I know you're going to have a great day."
Useful tips
In addition, there are several ways to prepare and protect children from the possible outbreak of separation anxiety that accompanies the start of school and other activities. Some simple tips, recommended by school psychologists:
- Talk with your child about your most beautiful experiences from school.
Make him enchanted with your words and the idea of starting or returning to school!
- Put their daily life into a school schedule, so that they get used to the schedule and routine.
Many times, separation anxiety is simply a disguised fear of the unknown.
- Keep your "goodbyes" short! When you delay separation, you confirm and increase the child's anxiety.
If the mother stays at school for a long time, with the aim of reassuring the child, it is as if she is telling him that there is indeed something to be afraid of.
- If your child is very young, let them bring a favorite toy or stuffed animal with them.
Children's attachment to an object, usually a stuffed animal, which psychology calls a transitional object, can help our child cope with separation anxiety.
- Talk to them.
There is a chance that they do not want to go to school because they are experiencing some learning or social problem. School violence and bullying are, unfortunately, a reality.
- Give them space and help them express themselves.
If you are dealing with a toddler or a shy child, it helps to provide pictures of faces (smiling, angry, sad, etc.) and encourage them to show you how they are feeling.
Don't forget that recognizing their emotions and letting them feel heard is very important for children and adults of all ages!
